Dating A Trans Woman: Expectations vs Reality

The contemporary dating scene is much more diverse than in the past. Nowadays, we are met with people from all walks of life, people who may differ not only because of their skin color or size but also their gender and partner preferences, as we see in how common dating a trans woman in becoming.

Regardless of the differences between us all, it doesn’t change the fact that we are all human looking for love. Nor will it stop us from falling for people we have yet to understand (or even come close to understanding) fully. Such is the case if we’re attracted to transgender women.

The term “transgender” itself may be jarring for most folks, despite how open and progressive the world currently is. It’s easy to box in transgender people based on what we see in the media, making it all the more difficult to properly and respectfully date them.

In this article, we take a look at certain preconceived notions about transgender women and how we can align ourselves better when communicating and pursuing them.

Expectation: Trans women are always feminine

Reality: Not always, just like cis women

With the little representation that trans women have in media, trans women are often shown as “highly feminine” and “girly” to signify that they are women. Because of this, it has influenced society to put trans women into gender-specific boxes of stereotypes that should fit what is deemed to be a “woman.” In many instances, people would even make comments such as “more girly than girls,” upon meeting a trans woman for the first time.

It begs the question; what does it truly mean to be a “woman”?

And the only answer is that trans women are women even if they are not feminine. Trans women are also women even when they are feminine. Just like cis women.

The reality is, women are still women even when they don’t wear skirts, even when they don’t wear make-up, even when they grow out the hair on different parts of their bodies.
Being a woman, regardless of their femininity, makes a woman who she is.

What You Can Do

When first dating a trans woman, you might expect her to be all dolled up and girly and feminine, but as you get to know her on a deeper level, you must understand that she might not be as feminine as you initially would have thought.

Femininity is always policed, no matter if you’re cis or transgender. The only difference is that society puts even more pressure on trans women to conform to these standards. So what you can do is always assure her that she does not need to be “feminine.” Assure her that she is a woman by simply being herself.

Expectation: Trans women are highly erotic and sensual

Reality: They are just objectified

If you’ve found yourself suddenly being interested in dating a trans woman, chances are you might have this expectation that trans women have a high libido. Maybe you stumbled upon a section in adult films that feature trans women performing very sensual and erotic acts.

And perhaps your continuous consumption of these kinds of adult media has led you to believe that trans women are highly sexual.

The reality is, trans women relate differently to their sexuality, sexual preferences, kinks, and everything else in between. Some have a high libido, some rarely think about sex. Some are very active, and some are very vanilla. You might even be surprised that some trans women have been wholesome and pure their whole lives.

The only reason trans women are thought to be highly sexual is because of the media’s objectification of trans women. Just like how cis women are often objectified. But in truth, trans women, just like every other human being, have different tastes and sexual preferences.

What You Can Do

When you start dating a trans girl, you realize that physical intimacy is so delicately special to her. Bearing naked in front of a significant other, despite all their dysphoria, isn’t so quickly served at hand, especially for some trans women who still struggle with it.

What you can do is to be patient, communicate and allow her time to slowly have the courage to open herself up to you intimately and sexually. As with all couples and partners, engaging in sex can only be comfortable when both parties thoroughly communicate their needs and preferences to have a wonderful time.

And of course, above all, the interest in dating a trans girl should not be limited to fulfilling a fantasy or using them as an experiment. She deserves to be dated, respected, and loved as the woman that she is.

Expectation: Trans women fall in love easily because of desperation

Reality: Trans women have standards because they know they deserve the best

Perhaps dating in the cis world hasn’t been so kind. So an interest in dating a trans girl forms with the hopes of finding a flock of them falling head over heels for you in an instant, “because they are desperate.” It’s always such a common stereotype that trans women are less picky or have lower standards in finding romantic partners because of the misconception that only a handful of people would accept them for who they truly are.

It stems from society’s influence in setting aside trans women as the “other.” When in reality, society sets aside so many “others.” And in that spectrum of “others” are many people who relate and empathize with one another. Because of this camaraderie among them, trans women feel validated and loved for who they are.

So the reality is, trans women are not desperate. Trans women have standards because they, too, deserve only the purest intentions and the best kind of love.

You may think that the playing field for trans women is unequal compared to other genders and gender identities. However, the world is such a vast and open place with diverse people who will open their hearts and minds to find love through any form. That could be you too.

What You Can Do

Remember that a trans woman is a woman, and dating a trans girl means she deserves to be treated with the highest affection, the highest attention, and the highest respect. It is much like how you should treat anyone that you are dating.

If you genuinely want to find everlasting love with a trans woman, you must first live the truth with the complete acceptance that they are a woman, no buts and no ifs.

Expectation: There’s a lot of judgment surrounding trans dating

Reality: There really is a lot of judgment

Finding love and dating a trans girl can be just as normal as dating anyone. The only difference is that there is still a stigma around it. One of the factors you might expect when dating a trans girl is that you might receive a lot of judgment from other people outside of your relationship.

The reality is that there is and there will always be a lot of judgment. The judging eyes will be ever-present wherever you go, from a bystander, from the salesperson, your co-workers, your friends, and especially from your family (if they are traditional and conservative). The judging eyes will never go away.

But what matters the most is not what others think, but what you think about the strong connection you have with the trans woman you’re dating. Because chances are, she is worth it. She is worth your time, your effort, and she is worth fighting for.

What You Can Do

Trans women already go through a lot of judgment. If you are cis, then her struggle is far greater than you can imagine.

So what can you do once people around you glance at you with judgment? The best thing you can do is look away and pay no mind to it. Focus on the woman before you. Stay true to your interest in her. Assure her that there is nothing more worth fighting for than your love.

Expectation: Trans women have a lot of dysphoria

Reality: You just need patience and understanding

Diving into a relationship with anyone takes a lot of patience and commitment, and falling in love with a trans woman is no different. When starting to date trans women, you might expect them to have many issues with their dysphoria.

The reality is, their dysphoria as trans women is a daily struggle that they have to seek through every time.

There will be many things about their dysphoria that you may never truly understand if you are a cis-gendered person. And that’s okay! It is not your fault for not understanding, and it is not her fault for having these kinds of struggle.

What You Can Do

The key is a lot of communication, understanding, and patience. It’s easier said than done. But if you do your part and see through it all, stay by her side and love her to the fullest, then dating a trans girl might be the best thing that will ever happen in your life.

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When In Doubt, Ask

While we may end the topic on the previous point, it’s important to note that the conversation doesn’t stop there. Much like cis people, transgender people are all unique, each with their own intricacies, tastes, and backgrounds.

If we find ourselves at a loss, it doesn’t hurt to ask our partners for some clarifications. Doing so is one of the best ways to gain knowledge that can hopefully help progress our matches in a considerate and loving manner. 

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